Baba - Tuesday pics

Hello all, Thanks for following along. I have not done an update in a couple of days. We have been busily trying to figure out strategies for dealing with our beautiful, spirited, and very confused daughter. Grandma Bonnie is coloring the girls nails and I am stealing a few moments to post.

Like LB said a few posts ago, it is not all butterflies and rainbows, but there are some butterflies and rainbows as well as very hopeful signs among the difficult moments. We had a very nice dinner last night and in the cab on the way back to the hotel, Eliana and Maya were kissing each other and giggling. They also alternated singing songs for us. Maya has quite a repertoire and a very nice voice. She sang the Beijing Olympics song and a few others we did not recognize. Eliana only sang the ABC song, but she did it every time it was her turn. As we approached the hotel Maya began to sing the theme song to her favorite show (pleasant sheep and big wolf) and the cab driver joined in. It was a very nice moment.

Over the past few days we have developed some strategies for dealing with the behavior issues that seem to be working. A few of the highlights.

When going to the park the other day, we were heading for the fun of carousel and bumper car rides! Of course we could not tell this to Maya, so she just had to trust us that we were taking some place good. But why would she, because a couple of days before we took her to get some shots. At every concession stand, she stopped and demanded that we buy her a toy. Squatting on the ground and screaming, "I want a toy" in Chinese. (A very nice security guard translated that for me.) Rather than stop the group, LB, Grandma, Ben and Eliana went ahead and I stayed with Maya, quietly telling her no to the toy. We made quite a scene. First because there was a western person taking care of a screaming Chinese girl and second because I am a man, which is not common in this culture. It must have look very strange to the locals.

After about 25 minutes, Maya figured out that the tantrum would not work and decided to go with me to find Mama, Eliana, Ben and Grandma. On the way, we had another incident at the next concession stand. Same pattern, but it took less time for her to decide to go to find the rest of the group. When we finally got there Maya had a great time on the rides. Maya and Eliana were so cute in the bumper cars together. The ran into things a laughed a lot. Next we decided to get a pedal boat on the lake. Maya did not want to go. Squatted down on the ground. I told LB and the rest to go ahead, as soon as Maya heard this, she decided that going on the boat would be more fun than sitting on the ground while I stood next to her. So, she went (success!). After the fun was over and we were headed back to the hotel and had to pass many concession stands. We had at least two more episodes, but each time, she eventually gave in and decided to come of her own free will. This is much better than carrying her.

 

Here are the pictures from Yuexiu Park in Guangzhou - http://www.flickr.com/photos/cohnfamily/sets/72157623279640397

 

The down side of this tactic is that sometimes you have to be somewhere on a time schedule and you just can not wait for a stubborn 8 year old to get bored and decide to come with you. On those occasions she has to be carried, kicking and screaming if necessary. (Sometimes she just laughs when I pick her up) Yesterday, we had to be at the consulate and so I had to pick her up and physically put her into the cab. She did not appreciate this and screamed the whole way. I do have to say that this was the fastest and least expensive cab ride we have had to the island. It cost only 15 RMB when most rides have cost us 20. Poor cab driver.

She is very strong and Laura Beth sometimes has trouble containing her, so I spend a lot of time having to be the heavy. This is unfortunate but necessary. I try to make up for it by playing with her when she is in the mood, even if it is right after an hour long screaming fit and I really have no desire to play with her.

When we have to contain her in the hotel room (she sometimes tries to escape)  I make sure to block the door by sitting on the ground next to the door.  This seems to be less intimidating than standing over her holding it shut.  I try to quietly tell her she is a good girl in Chinese (The guard at the park told me how to say this.)   This seems to lessen the fit, at least for now.  If I tell her that I love her in Chinese that makes things worse, so I say that in the good moments.  She seems to respond to it okay at those times.   

I have to say that the attachment seminar we attended has been a big help. A lot of good approaches and strategies. Although the seminar was targeted at parents of children with severe attachment problems (Maya does not fit into that category), I think that the basic strategies are the same. Also, I really appreciate the support of my wife, she has been so wonderful. It has been difficult and we are working through it.

Also, Ben has really surprised me. We had a nice conversation the other day and he has a very mature outlook on the whole situation. He let me know that he has never seen me so frazzled. He is a good kid with a good head on his shoulders and it has been a pleasure having him here.

It is going to be a bumpy ride, but we are all convinced that it is worth doing.  We will keep trying new things until we find out what works and does not.  Thanks again for all of the support and good wishes from back home.  I keep telling myself that if we were snowed in at the house this week it would probably be worse!  Laura Beth agrees.  I am sure you are all going crazy right now with 6 consecutive no school days.  My heart goes out to you.

Thanks again to Ronnie and Daniel for taking excellent care of my mother and Sheila.  It makes a lot easier to know that they are being well cared for.  We owe you big!

See you soon.

Adam